yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
My dick has a subreddit
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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