I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
