1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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