At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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