Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
