did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
