went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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