I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
