also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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