I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
