I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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