Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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