What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
it was like eating out sand paper
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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