we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
