just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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