Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
