Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
