btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
