Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
