I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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