yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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