I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
