You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
