maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
