I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
