'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
