nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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