I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
