Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
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