Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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