If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
