oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
