hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
