Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
