So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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