I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm at about main and main street
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
