i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
