my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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