Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
