I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
