and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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