I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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