I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
