anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
