dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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