Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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