Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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