My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
