you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
