My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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