I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
